"I'm Sorry You Are A Weasel" Baby's First Apology

How to Apologize

It seems like an easy thing, to apologize. But yet apologies have been winnowed down from the unmitigated to weasel words.

Here is a handy primer on how to apologize.

Executive summary (presumably because executives are simpletons who can't do any deep reading):

Rule #1: Don't be a weasel.

Apologize quickly

Make your amends in life as quickly as possible. Otherwise, the issue will fester with the aggrieved party, or even with yourself. I once apologized to someone after 20 years. It had been weighing heavily on my mind, but she didn’t even remember the initial problem. What a total waste of my time!

Apologize unreservedly

Everyone has heard that phrase ‘IF I offended you, I apologize’. Have you ever said it?

You have? Well then, fuck you. You already know you have offended someone, they’ve told you so, so there are no ‘if’s’ about it. Yeah, I know it’s in the Bible (Samuel 25:28) but in this case the word of God is wrong. Probably a typo or something. 

Only apologize if you mean it

Don’t apologize because it makes good business sense. Apologize like you mean it, because you do mean it. Otherwise, stand your ground. Don’t be a weasel.

Apologies should be tangible

Learn from your mistakes. Don’t repeat the same mistake again – there are so many in the world to make, find something new to fuck up over.

Take responsibility

Something might not be your doing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t your fault. Step up and seize the opportunity to apologize for something that you could have helped to prevent.

You don’t have to apologize for everything

Causing offense is inevitable, there is someone, somewhere on this planet who will take offense to you saying ‘hello’. I expect I may have offended some people with this post. Be forewarned: I’m unapologetic. Always assess the situation like an adult, and decide if you were wrong, and do the right thing.

Apologies are inevitable

Everybody makes mistakes – both big and small. Make the most of them by apologizing while knowing you are merely human.

Remember: Don’t be a weasel

You’ve already fucked up, don’t compound it.

You Are Still A Pervert

Recently, there was an arrest made for a purveyor of child pornography. He had 15 terrabytes of content, video and photographic representations of child rape.

Newberg man, Richard Tietjens, accused of storing 15 terabytes of child porn

This man was, at one point in the past, a participant in anti-spam activities. Like every other type of work that exists, antis run a broad spectrum of individuals, from the very finest human beings you could hope to meet, to the most loathsome. 

Richard Tietjens in no way represents the typical anti-spammer, any more so than I do.

What is off-putting (to put it mildly) is that there are some in our community who are attempting to provide ‘what-ifs’ as if they somehow would mitigate this vile pervert’s activities. They bring examples like ‘what if all of his content was cartoons and anime-style depictions of child rape, ergo no-one got hurt in the creation of the content’.

That is true, but the depiction of child rape has several illegal aspects of it:

1. The act of child rape
2. The filming of the crime so others may remotely participate, by proxy, in the act of child rape
3. The distribution of the obscene photographic material
4. The possession of the obscene photographic material

While cartoon depictions may not actually hurt a child, they do provide an environment in which paedophiles can exist and ply their trade, and there’s the rub, so to speak.

There have been precisely zero documented instances of paedophiles who limit their interests solely to cartoon depictions. Anime is one form of the many that paedophiles enjoy, at the cost of destruction of a young life.

From a purely scientific point of view a paedophiles who only like drawings could exist, because we simply can’t statistically disprove that, but scientifically as well this ignores a reality:

The vast body of evidence that exists shows that paedophiles rape children (and let’s be clear, infants), and participate in the illegal and immoral collection, distribution, and use for sexual gratification of depictions of those rapes.

If libertarian values (or some compulsion to parse infinitesimally small possible scenarios from massive evidence to the contrary, akin to pointing out an atom on Jupiter) insist that you must allow for cartoon and anime forms of this sickness as being non-harmful, I suggest you get psychiatric help, immediately. Your stance is loathsome, and sociopathically disinterested in the feelings of the victims of such horrible crimes. You are little better than the paedophiles you are attempting to support.

Why the Net really doesn't need SOPA / PIPA Legislation

As some of you may know, there are bills wending their way (successfully, it appears) through the United States legislative process that will force search engines and ISPs to become tools of censorship. Basically, the record companies, film studios, and pharmaceutical companies are worried about their intellectual property.

I am too. I lived off've the avails of music publishing for quite some time, and I think the rights of the artists who create music, film, and yes, even drugs are immutable.

The rights of the companies that distribute them? Not so much.

Nine Inch Nails gave their last album, the Slip, away for free, and also had the opportunity for fans to pay for it. Guess what? They made a mint from the sales, and it charted at #13 on Billboard. Trent Reznor has also given away music from other projects he has been involved in, including the two soundtracks for The Social Network and Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Recently, comedian Louis C.K. tried an experiment wherein he sold a show, circumventing big media, for $5 - direct to his fans. Guess what? He made money at it!

In what is probably the worst, and best marketing email I've ever received, he explains the hows and whys (below).

my point ultimately is that film studios and record companies are dinosaurs in their death throes - and they fail to understand the new sales paradigm that is now in place. Things will change, over time, but in the meanwhile, the geriatrics in the United States legal system are trying to ensconce the anachronistic way of doing business into law. And in the process, breaking the Internet, according to MAAWG.org and 80 people who actually helped to create the technologies that underpin this fun thing we all enjoy.

Here's Louis C.K.'s email, which I think is absolutely brilliant, and proves my point.

Hi.  This is LOuie.  It seriously is me. Im even going to leave the O stuipdly capatalized because who would pay an intern to do that?? Okay so you bought the thing with my fat face on it and you clicked the button that said i could email you. And i know that now you are thinking "aw shit. Why'd i let this guy into my life this way?". Well dont worry. Because i really swear it that i wont bug you. I will not abuse this privalage of having your email. You wont hear from me again... Probably, unless i have something new to offer you. The reason i'm writing now, in the back of a car taking me to the Tonight Show set, is to let you know that as of now there is some new and cool stuff on my site, related to Live at the Beacon Theater. Theres a thing where you can download and print a dvd box cover and label so you can burn and make your own dvd of the video. And theres a new option where you can gift the special to as many people as you want (for 5 bucks each) and they'll get a nice gifty email from you with a link to the video.

Also, some of you may know, i recently made a statement (that sounds so dumb. Like i'm the president or something) about how the video has been doing online. Im pasting it in here below in case you missed it.

Lastly I'm planning to put some more outtakes of the show on youtube and i think i will put one on the site that is only available for free to you folks on this list, who bought the thing and opted in. But dont hold me to that because really i just thought of it and typed it.

Okay well please have a happy rest of the year and more happy years after that. And please even have been happy in your past. What?

Thanks again for giving me 5 dollars. I bought 3 cokes with it.

Regards. Sincerely, Actually,

Louis

===========================
People of Earth (minus the ones who don't give a shit about this): it's been amazing to conduct this experiment with you. The experiment was: if I put out a brand new standup special at a drastically low price ($5) and make it as easy as possible to buy, download and enjoy, free of any restrictions, will everyone just go and steal it? Will they pay for it? And how much money can be made by an individual in this manner?

It's been 4 days. A lot of people are asking me how it's going. I've been hesitant to share the actual figures, because there's power in exclusive ownership of information. What I didn't expect when I started this was that people would not only take part in this experiment, they would be invested in it and it would be important to them. It's been amazing to see people in large numbers advocating this idea. So I think it's only fair that you get to know the results. Also, it's just really cool and fun and I'm dying to tell everybody. I told my Mom, I told three friends, and that wasn't nearly enough. So here it is.

First of all, this was a premium video production, shot with six cameras over two performances at the Beacon Theater, which is a high-priced elite Manhattan venue. I directed this video myself and the production of the video cost around $170,000. (This was largely paid for by the tickets bought by the audiences at both shows). The material in the video was developed over months on the road and has never been seen on my show (LOUIE) or on any other special. The risks were thus: every new generation of material I create is my income, it's like a farmer's annual crop. The time and effort on my part was far more than if I'd done it with a big company. If I'd done it with a big company, I would have a guarantee of a sizable fee, as opposed to this way, where I'm actually investing my own money.

The development of the website, which needed to be a very robust, reliable and carefully constructed website, was around $32,000. We worked for a number of weeks poring over the site to make sure every detail would give buyers a simple, optimal and humane experience for buying the video. I edited the video around the clock for the weeks between the show and the launch.

The show went on sale at noon on Saturday, December 10th. 12 hours later, we had over 50,000 purchases and had earned $250,000, breaking even on the cost of production and website. As of Today, we've sold over 110,000 copies for a total of over $500,000. Minus some money for PayPal charges etc, I have a profit around $200,000 (after taxes $75.58). This is less than I would have been paid by a large company to simply perform the show and let them sell it to you, but they would have charged you about $20 for the video. They would have given you an encrypted and regionally restricted video of limited value, and they would have owned your private information for their own use. They would have withheld international availability indefinitely. This way, you only paid $5, you can use the video any way you want, and you can watch it in Dublin, whatever the city is in Belgium, or Dubai. I got paid nice, and I still own the video (as do you). You never have to join anything, and you never have to hear from us again.

I really hope people keep buying it a lot, so I can have shitloads of money, but at this point I think we can safely say that the experiment really worked. If anybody stole it, it wasn't many of you. Pretty much everybody bought it. And so now we all get to know that about people and stuff. I'm really glad I put this out here this way and I'll certainly do it again. If the trend continues with sales on this video, my goal is that i can reach the point where when I sell anything, be it videos, CDs or tickets to my tours, I'll do it here and I'll continue to follow the model of keeping my price as far down as possible, not overmarketing to you, keeping as few people between you and me as possible in the transaction. (Of course i reserve the right to go back on all of this and sign a massive deal with a company that pays me fat coin and charges you straight up the ass.). (This is you: yes Louie. And we'll all enjoy torrenting that content. You fat sweaty dolt).

I probably sound kind of crazy right now. It's been a really fun and intense few days. This video was paid for by people who bought tickets, and then bought by people who wanted to see that same show. I got to do exactly the show I wanted, and exactly the show you wanted.

I also got an education. And everything i learned are things i was happy to learn. I learned that people are interested in what happens and shit (i didn't go to college)

I learned that money can be a lot of things. It can be something that is hoarded, fought over, protected, stolen and withheld. Or it can be like an energy, fueled by the desire, will, creative interest, need to laugh, of large groups of people. And it can be shuffled and pushed around and pooled together to fuel a common interest, jokes about garbage, penises and parenthood.

I want to thank Blair Breard who produced this video and produces my series LOUIE, and I want to thank Caspar and Giles at Version Industries, who created the website.

I hope with all of my heart that I stay funny. Otherwise this all goes to hell. Please have a safe and happy holiday, and thank you again for all this crazy shit.

Sincerely, Louis C.K.